On Suicide

I was on the ledge many times. Always, I was not fearful of death - I was looking for eternal respite from all the sorrows of loneliness from rejection. And my mind was not fearful of the height, but considering if it was worth dying then. From them, I concluded this:

I am a child of God. Blessed, loved, favored child of my Father. But a lonely anonymous bullied reject of this world.

So I will not die because my work is not done here.

So I will not die because it is not worthwhile; to the world, I am inconspicuous speck, no one remembers.

So I will not die because it is not worthwhile; I live once, and dying prematurely will waste it eternally.

So I will not die because it is not worthwhile; death comes eventually, why should I pursue it.

So I will live to the fullest, to do what I want. I do not care even if the whole world hates me for me. For the world will move on after I am gone.

So I will live to glorify Him, for in my points of destitute and despair, He reached and comforted me.

A Parched Heart

I have been alone and rejected for so long. So long that after I helped my dance partner across a drain, the feeling of that brief clasp lingers. The yearn for companionship is so strong, that I am just hoping to take our friendship to another level. That little tinge of envy and jealousy when she temporarily changed partners and when she was happily talking to another guy speaks volumes. Yet there are some things in her that I noticed, that are reminiscence of my recent divorce, and it makes me hesitate. Am I able to keep things platonic?

I am believing God for someone. And, I do so hope that she turns up soon. Also I really want someone to hug and cry. Or rather, if someone hugged me with love, and really tightly, the taps will just flow. In a way, I need it. Badly. I just don't know if its her.

On Orphans

I just finished watching an episode on GhostHunt - Silent Christmas. And it made me think about the little match girl. And it made me think about orphans, me and God. I am estranged and rejected by my family - I have but one trustworthy friend. So I am not an orphan, but I am familiar with the feeling of being lonely.

Loneliness is different from being alone. Loneliness can come when one is in the midst of a party; you smile, mingle and crap about things. But it is a facade as you try very much to look forward and close your eyes on the weeping loneliness within. I do miss not having a proper childhood, and am envious of children with even averagely loving parents. Many do not understand what this means - they do not even contemplate the subconscious reliance on having a family, and a network of close accepting friends around them. Its this underlying trust that regardless of what happens, someone will take you in, hug you and support you.

I wonder what do orphans feel. Those who never knew their parents. Those who knew their parents briefly. I was there, similar to the little match girl. Wandering around alone on a cold Christmas night, looking at all those joyful faces and warm hugs; with all the gifts around them and my own poor empty hands. And that desire to return where I can receive the one unconditional love: heaven, in God's arms. Would it better to never have parents, or to have parents that reject you at every turn?

Do orphans feel the same way? That deep inside they long for a close family; just an average one even. And they deal with it by just looking forward and not dwelling on it? That they accept it as their lot? Beneath each of those smiles, I wonder.....

Acceptance?

Thinking about my past, I wondered if it was alright that your partner wouldn't know everything about you - baggage and all. I wonder if I have to share everything with the person; not that I won't want to, rather I do not know how that will affect her perceptions of me. My history is no average Joe's; its way beyond. in the negative sense. It feels terribly sad actually; it feels so lonely to have no one to share all the things and no one to comfort me. My marriage just ended - I yearn for companionship, but yet shrink from it. Its like wanting to clutch a beautiful rose, but yet the thorns are so numerous and large that it is scary. ...

Still Waters Run Deep

Still waters run deep. So goes the saying. The enigmatic charismatic unknown which has a mysterious allure to it. But below that tranquil magical surface calm quickly takes a frightening turn. The true deep is unfathomable; tumultuous currents, intense pressure, cold with endless darkness - a seemingly barren area with frightening and mysterious lights. It is suffocating, and claustrophobic; many who see its borders turn in flight. It is not well received, never embraced, always shunned - even feared. For the currents seen on a rough sea are amplified and magnified in this unlit domain. Indeed, it is because these currents sink below that the surface looks calm...

Still waters run deep. Truly.

A Love Song

To she whom the Lord will reveal to me.
@->---


A Love Song (Draft)

Oh what a beautiful moment it is tonight,
To commit to you my love and my life,
That forevermore we'll be side by side:
This is the start of the most magical journey of our lives.

Because this journey is the most beautiful one,
Look around and see, the Lord has blessed both of us,
Look up and see, He opened the heavens for us,
For He has went before us with His love,
And prepared each of us, for one another.

A few years from, we'll have a child or two,
Then maybe a couple more, or we'll make do,
On His wings 'ver the mountains and valleys we'll fly,
In His spirit and rest, along this journey we'll forever rise.

Because this journey is the most fulfilling one,
Look around and see, the Lord has blessed both of us,
Look up and see, He rained the heavens over us,
For He has went before us with His grace,
And given each of us, to one another.

And then many years from now,
When we have lived a life true to the Lord,
Still we'll be savoring this wine of yore:
This the sweetest and best wine given of the Lord.

Because this journey is the most fragrant one,
Look around and see, the Lord has blessed both of us,
Look up and see, He poured out the heavens for us,
For He has went before us with His love,
And brought out the best of us, through one another.

 --- Bridge ---
Then should you leave to join Him before me,
I pray you whisper sweetly to Him about me,
For when I look back and see,
At this life; the abundance and blessings He has brought me,
This I will proclaim: that it was an awesome journey,
Because of Him, because of thee.

Oh! For surely this journey is the most magnificent one,
He withheld no blessing from us; not even each other,
Look up and see, He gave the heavens to us,
For He will always be with us now and forevermore,
And unite us as one in His love.


 - Our God will always be our first love; our love for one another will be above all others.

Written: 04 Aug 2014