Me & My Heavenly Father

I have been told a couple of times, that people don't understand my relationship with God. They ask, "How are you able to trust God so much?" They ask, "Why do you love God so much?". The answer is very simple. Because He loved me so.

Now, how cliche, one may think. No. Simply saying it is one thing, but experiencing it is different. Its not just the feeling you get during service. No. It's seeing Him come through for you, He being there for you, He comforting you, He providing for you. When you are lonely, poor, and worried about the enemies all around you; when you can see no future and hope, but only fear and despair; when sadness, fear, depression and despair are the most common encounters that you see; when the closest and most trusted turn away and leave you empty in every aspect; when you are stripped of everything: dignity, pride, wealth, health, family, friends; yes even the counselors and leaders turn aside. 

If one knows how much I have seen - its not the worst, but bad enough - you will also see how He is so real. All the special blessings from Him: deliverance from evil people, providence in poverty, restoration from the devourers, vindication from the gossipers, grace in the sight of the self-righteous. And each time He blesses me, teeth gnash; they cannot believe that I am a child of God. I would have thought that at least believers would rejoice with me - but I hear scoffs, scorns, sneers. Yet, I am not justified by anyone in this world - no, I have been justified in Christ Jesus.

I never had a fatherly figure, nor a mother for that. But now I have a Father: I call Him my Father because He has called me His child. He has given me wisdom, discernment and knowledge, favor and anointing, grace and mercy, love and much much more. He has given His Son Jesus that I may be redeemed, that I may be His righteousness in Christ Jesus. He has set me apart for His plans, and shown me so much more than what most have seen, known or understand. He embraced he who was abused and rejected, scorned and despised, mocked and cast out, persecuted and threatened, who was falsely accused and misunderstood, who was poor and had nothing, who was alone. He loved me when none loved me.

So, why do I believe in Him, and love Him, and cry to Him? Simple. Because I have truly seen and tasted, that only He loved me so. 

This Little Heart

Its a quiet night, the cold breezy wind blows. In my own little world, warm and filled with songs of hope and love piping in through the earphone. Thinking of the proceedings, of going back to being single. Thinking of the past - trying not to think of it. I have not been through the worst, but much more than most would have.

This Little Heart

Years ago, we made a promise,

To live as one, to be as one.

To seek happiness and build our lives together.

My little heart had hope, 

Of seeing the end of sadness; the start of joy.

But things changed, you wanted more,

The simple life of hope, the simple song of joy,

These no longer resounded in you.

You only saw your fears,

Seeking others; forgetting the one standing beside you.

Why did you break this little heart?

Why promise when all you sought for was yourself?

Of love and hope, gifts and forgiveness,

Of support and encouragement, hugs and care,

These you trampled upon:

Claiming that you loved when all you gave was a lonely winter.

So things will go, but not as you wished.

This simple life of hope, this simple song of joy,

Still burns warmly within me.

You stripped me of all I have,

But hoping I will; that I will find love again someday.

Why did you break this little heart?

Why could you not see beyond the mirror?

Of love and hope, gifts and forgiveness,

Of support and encouragement, hugs and care,

These I will keep for now:

I will give them to myself when they were once for you.

I might be down, but I am not broken.

The past is past, and morning is coming;

The Lord has a better plan for me,

He has blessed me greatly;

He has set one apart for me,

To fill this little heart of mine with blessings and lots of hugs.

So this little heart will be mended,

This little heart will beat as one with another.

Of love and hope, gifts and forgiveness,

Of support and encouragement, hugs and care,

These I will give another:

To one who will consider me, accept me and love me - See! The morn has come!

Sigh. Sixth and last day of dance. Gonna miss seeing that gal. Bright. Cheerful. And a heck younger. If there were an antithesis to me, that would be her. Although partner swapping was necessary, we stuck together on the 2nd lesson. And then I partnered someone else for the entire 3rd lesson. And that was that.

Cold shoulders, snubbing. Maybe I read too much. Maybe I should have stuck with her, just as she stuck with me on the 2nd lesson. Never managed a dance with her - not even today. Maybe because I was jealous. Maybe because I know that things will not be.

Gonna need to patch that little hole - things that can never be should not be nurtured.

-----

Oh satin swallow of the skies,
Why have you perched on me?
For far will you be,
And high will you fly,
But all I can do is look up from below,
In that lithe form that twirls with graceful beauty.

Oh satin swallow of the skies,
When will you depart from me?
Though I long for you,
But it can never be;
Worlds apart, across chasms and canyons I peer,
At that figure which I may never see again.

@->---
Victoria

The one who smiles the most, maybe the one who cries to sleep at night...

A saying goes, "the one who smiles the most, maybe the one who cries to sleep at night". The loneliness at night is terrible sometimes. Who can I turn to for comfort, someone I can hold and hug? I need a hug bad. Haven't been hugged in 2 years. At least. But I am socially inept. And I try to hide myself, my past and current from people. The rejections, and turning away of faces, makes me ashamed of me. Then, without close friends and family, without a career or savings, with nothing, who would accept me? Well, at least God loves me.

Got a good bro, but he's in the hospital at the moment, and he's got his family, job and other stuff. So he can't be there when I need someone. And he's happy. He's optimistic. Feel terrible off-loading my concerns to him. Just want a person to talk to, to confide to. Especially in the evenings and quiet of night.

I need a hug...

When is iT My Turn For Love?

When is it my turn for love?

The road has been lonely,
And full of stubble it is.
Though I can carry on,
Yet the only footprints I see are my own.

The nights have been cold,
And filled with tears they are.
Though I will sing it through,
Yet the only voice I hear are my own.

So, when is it my turn for love?
When can I be accepted for who I am?
Oh, when will I be hugged,
Till I breakdown and cry?
When is it my turn to be loved?

Oh, I dreamed of love,
Of warmth, joy and happiness,
To hold and be held,
Till I am filled - Oh my heart yearns to beat with another.

So, when is it my turn for love?
When can I be accepted for who I am?
Oh, when will I be hugged,
Till I breakdown and cry?
When is it my turn to be loved?

Writing, they say, is a good way to express your emotion. In poetry. In songs. In lamentations. When music, sounds and voices are muted, and motion is stilled in its tracks, writing continues unabated. It chronicles the journey; it describes the scenery: of mountains and valleys, of dawn and dusk, of life and death.