Spiteful Sorrow

Where is the hope?
When all man fails you;
Even they who say they love you?

Where is the hug?
Where is the loving touch;
Just one from that one special person?

Why. Why. Why.
When is it my turn?
When do I get my hug?

Why. Why. Why.
That my nights are lonely?
That I hear only my voice?

Why. Why. Why.
That I can't stand?
That I need someone so much?

Where is the love?
Where is that warmth;
Just to fill me whole and within?

I Hear Only Myself

Back at home in the night,
It was a long active day,
Yet now I sit by myself,
With only my voice to accompany the silence.

And so I sing in my soul,
To fill that loneliness within,
And so I sing in my spirit,
To accompany its lonely dance,
And so I sing - and I hear only myself.

When I see others,
I wonder about them,
About what they are going through,
And whether is any like me,

And so I sing in my soul,
To fill that loneliness for tomorrow,
And so I sing in my spirit
To buoy its twirl with hope,
And so I sing - but I hear only myself.

Then there were those,
But the fear of rejection and
The fear of a broken heart
Kept me all to myself.

Oh why why why that I have to be me,
To be given such a lot. to be dealt as such,
I cannot see the morning, I cannot see the day,
The hope flickering like a dancing flame

And so I sing in my soul,
Grasping for sanity within,
And so I sing in my spirit,
Praying for someone to join its sway,
And so I sing - still I hear only myself.

Outpouring [i]

The nights are lonely,
The silence piercing,
The songs of love mesmerizing,
Yet so painful: when I look in and see,
A lovelorn vessel,
Hoping to love and be loved.

The roads are abrasive,
The history condemning,
The soul and spirit broken,
Yet so hopeful: when I look in and see,
A rejected vessel,
Hoping to embrace and be accepted.

The heart is sobbing,
The emptiness seeking,
The seed longing to have the sun's warmth
Yet so frightened to leave
The frigid winter snows,
To be nourished, to become a rose

- Listening to "The Rose" @->---

Missing Love. Missing Being Loved.

There's an emptiness within;
A starless sky,
A moonless night,
Seeking the light of love
To illuminate the darkness.

There's a desert within;
A parched ground,
A cracked river bed,
Seeking the waters of love
To revive the withering tree.

I miss love;
I miss being loved.
I miss hugging.
I miss being hugged.
I won't miss being single,
Because loneliness is all I ever knew.

There's a chasm within;
A yawning canyon,
An unfathomable valley,
Seeking the bridge of love
To cross over to the coming dawn...

The Night Butterfly

Torn wings straining against the winds,

Dripping glistening crystals of tears;

Fluttering across the blooming meadow,

Seeking rest on the petals that would receive.

Struggling blind in the night of rejection and fear,

Worn feelers searching the empty loneliness,

Broken feet longing to brush against acceptance;

Seeking warmth from the prismatic irradiance below.

Within the tumultuous winds, it continues

Exhausted and despairing, yet alive and hoping;

To be embraced by just a single bloom,

To not falter and become one with the soil below.

Alone.

Today was the first day of the practice for the varsity ballroom team. And in the introductory dances, people would soon form partnerships that would last them, hopefully, until graduation. And perhaps, some even beyond. I wonder if the young eighteen-nineteen ladies would be alright if their partner just entered his thirties. Maybe not, if the social stereotype goes. I wonder, if that is why a colleague just decided to leave early...

On Suicide

I was on the ledge many times. Always, I was not fearful of death - I was looking for eternal respite from all the sorrows of loneliness from rejection. And my mind was not fearful of the height, but considering if it was worth dying then. From them, I concluded this:

I am a child of God. Blessed, loved, favored child of my Father. But a lonely anonymous bullied reject of this world.

So I will not die because my work is not done here.

So I will not die because it is not worthwhile; to the world, I am inconspicuous speck, no one remembers.

So I will not die because it is not worthwhile; I live once, and dying prematurely will waste it eternally.

So I will not die because it is not worthwhile; death comes eventually, why should I pursue it.

So I will live to the fullest, to do what I want. I do not care even if the whole world hates me for me. For the world will move on after I am gone.

So I will live to glorify Him, for in my points of destitute and despair, He reached and comforted me.

A Parched Heart

I have been alone and rejected for so long. So long that after I helped my dance partner across a drain, the feeling of that brief clasp lingers. The yearn for companionship is so strong, that I am just hoping to take our friendship to another level. That little tinge of envy and jealousy when she temporarily changed partners and when she was happily talking to another guy speaks volumes. Yet there are some things in her that I noticed, that are reminiscence of my recent divorce, and it makes me hesitate. Am I able to keep things platonic?

I am believing God for someone. And, I do so hope that she turns up soon. Also I really want someone to hug and cry. Or rather, if someone hugged me with love, and really tightly, the taps will just flow. In a way, I need it. Badly. I just don't know if its her.

On Orphans

I just finished watching an episode on GhostHunt - Silent Christmas. And it made me think about the little match girl. And it made me think about orphans, me and God. I am estranged and rejected by my family - I have but one trustworthy friend. So I am not an orphan, but I am familiar with the feeling of being lonely.

Loneliness is different from being alone. Loneliness can come when one is in the midst of a party; you smile, mingle and crap about things. But it is a facade as you try very much to look forward and close your eyes on the weeping loneliness within. I do miss not having a proper childhood, and am envious of children with even averagely loving parents. Many do not understand what this means - they do not even contemplate the subconscious reliance on having a family, and a network of close accepting friends around them. Its this underlying trust that regardless of what happens, someone will take you in, hug you and support you.

I wonder what do orphans feel. Those who never knew their parents. Those who knew their parents briefly. I was there, similar to the little match girl. Wandering around alone on a cold Christmas night, looking at all those joyful faces and warm hugs; with all the gifts around them and my own poor empty hands. And that desire to return where I can receive the one unconditional love: heaven, in God's arms. Would it better to never have parents, or to have parents that reject you at every turn?

Do orphans feel the same way? That deep inside they long for a close family; just an average one even. And they deal with it by just looking forward and not dwelling on it? That they accept it as their lot? Beneath each of those smiles, I wonder.....