Ramblings

I wonder, if i'd have someone to care for me. Not service me. Care for me. To love me. To assure me. I feel depleted of motivation yet not drained of life. I feel exhausted but a drubbing monotonous machine hums along. I just wish, as have been all these years, for rest. For peace. And for once more, eternal respite.

Ramblings of a Lonely Heart

Everyone is asleep beneath whirring fans in the cool night air. Thoughts jumbled in my head and feelings swirling in my heart; there is noone i can speak to. Looking around, peaceful faces hiding beautiful dreams. So many years have passed and i feel like im two steps behind them in career, love n life.

I cannot understand, the purpose of my life and me, with all my weaknesses that noone understands, with stories that noone hears, with scars that noone soothes. I stand stoic, believing for the best and yet deep within, fearing the worst, that weird contradiction, so scared to open up - not that anyone would care.

The promise i made lingers: to live life n nt abandon it. Yet the desire for respite still tugs at me, and sometimes i wonder if im regressing from all that the Lord has molded me.

And in the darkness n solitude, i remember what i desire:
Love, warmth and acceptance;
Hugs frm plain ol' relationships.
To trust n be trusted,
To love and be loved in return.

Oh how my soul weeps 😢😭

Blessings thru' Raindrops

A sleepless night. Another dawn.

Thinking of the past. 

Looking at the present. 

Praying for the future. 

Looking at my phone,

Wondering what happened

Wishing the scars away

So that I can be the typical guy.

And then this chorus sings right into my heart:

"Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise?"  (** Blessings by Laura Story)

In my heart break and disappointment,

The aching and silent tear drops,

Lift my eyes that I may see,

You being with me.

In my fear and confusion,

And all my ignorance and mistakes

Be my strength and cover me

With Your love and grace.

In all my pleas You've heard me,

So lift my eyes over the horizon,

To see the blessings coming over,

For me, for comfort, for love, for life.

And this chorus sings right into my heart:

"Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise?"

And so I prayed and wondered,

What if all these pain and heartbreak were necessary

To make me into the person that He wants me to be,

For some purpose that I still cannot see,

For that someone who will share my life?

Another Heartbreak

My heart weeps silently,
Oh, then it screams and shouts
Why?! What's wrong with me?
Does one failed relationship
Mean that I have failed in life?
Does one failed promise
Mean that I can never succed next time?
Why leave me now
When I've bared my soul and heart?

My heart shatters,
Into a million pieces and more
Like ground powder it becomes.
And it quivers and whimpers
I tried. I really really tried.
I persisted as u wld have me do
And i wished that things were different
Maybe i shouldn't have said it then.
If only....

My heart; the pieces glisten in the light
And then it evaporates,
Oh that beautiful sublime.
It declares in a rainbow colour
I loved you. I truly do.
And i wished that u had loved me too.

An Overdue Entry

Fine drops of evening rain pelting down on me. Its cold and wet, and my thoughts drifted; what little secrets do i have that she does not know. Not my gloomy crushing history, but something private. Maybe cheeky. Maybe...

And i remembered that i once wrote. The ramblings and rantings of a heart, impoverished from the lack of human touch. And so here it is: another entry into this quiet little chronicle of mine ~ :)

The Unspoken Words

It was dusk just before the sun hid under the horizon with its amber glow. The coolness and beauty of the moment combined fittingly with peaceful inner solitude. So many words to describe it. So many emotions and thoughts. But these never came.

And like that moment, floundering always in trying to vocalize my thoughts and feelings. The words that were rehearsed never came out, words of encouragement, sincere compliments, of concern and of love. I can't express myself to those I hold dear. Maybe it's because I don't understand the workings of informal social interactions, I don't know how it works. Maybe it's because I've been alone for too long. Maybe it's because I haven't had a real conversation in years~

But just like that beautiful sunset, those times will always be remembered and cherished quietly in my heart.

A Beautiful Lonely Morning

Such a beautiful morning. But such a lonely experience. To have the one I so hoped for so distant away. Sleeping in the dorm two hundred meters away. If only I had someone to share it with. If only ~ sigh. 

Stepping Onward

I've decided to change from writing about down times into sharing the favorite photos that I have taken. Photography is one of the most amazing things. Of course, I will still write a tad. I think. So i will start with this, which is currently my FB profile pic.


--------------------------------------

Its the end of the tracks;
This is where the rails meet.
From the past that I had,
And to the future that I seek.

Between the barren metal bars
Upon the unforgiving rocks,
A little flower blossoms
Beneath the dancer's feet.

---------------------------------------

想着相见太晚

凌晨六点， 脑海里想着你
想着何时开始喜欢你，
想着是否应该爱上你，
是否该给我们个机会。

听着情歌，心里混乱悲伤
想着为何会相见太晚，
想着即将面临的分离，
是否应该放手，告别。

两人的路程稍微交叉，
不知不觉就产出火花，
而却快速的熄灭离别。
年龄差别距离长远
不该阻止相爱的心，
但我就没勇气接受，
就怕无法对你专一。

怀念最近，快乐欢喜不少
想着未来没你的日子，
想着心里挂念的可惜，
希望离别时不要流泪。

两人的路程稍微交叉，
不知不觉就产出火花，
而却快速的熄灭离别。
年龄差别距离长远
不该阻止相爱的心，
但我就没勇气接受，
就怕无法对你专一。

虽然认识不久，希望
以后的路别忘了我。
希望两人保留友情，
希望你会寻找真爱，
祝福你个美满将来。

I was an Option

I don't want to be an option.
I don't want to be one of the many
That your fickle selfish heart considers.
I want to be your choice to draw near;
I want to be your decision to care and love.
Just as I have decided to love you,
So I hope to be your only choice.

If I knew the flame was flickering
If only I had the courage
To step up and hold your hands,
Perhaps today would be different;
You would not be out there
With a dozen different suitors
But here loving me and loved by me.

If then I had grabbed every opportunity
If only I needn't have to relearn
How to respond to each hint
That you so carefully dropped;
Then I won't have to miss you quietly,
I won't have to smile even
When it hurts inside to see you out there.

I don't want to be an option.
I don't want to be one of the many
That your fickle selfish heart considers.
I want to be your choice to draw near;
I want to be your decision to care and love.
Just as I have decided to love you,

So I hope to be your only choice.
I can tell that you do still have feelings,
Even though if it were a drop.
I know that you still care for me,
That there is indeed chemistry between us.
So why won't you admit and stop pretending,
When you already know my feelings?
Why test my persistence and your apathy?

I don't want to be an option.
I don't want to be one of the many
That your fickle selfish heart considers.
I want to be your choice to draw near;
I want to be your decision to care and love.
Just as I have decided to love you,
So I hope to be your only choice.


But you still chose to be out there.
So I will warm my frozen heart

And learn from our sweet interactions
And I will give my love and care
To someone to whom I am not an option,
To someone who will make me
Her choice, her love, her life.

I've Got a Friend

I've got a friend.
I thought I didn't.
Someone who will talk to me.
A good bro who listens to me.
A good pal who shares with me.

I've got a friend.
I thought I didn't.
Someone who I thought was lost.
A good sis who listens to me.
A good soulmate who shares with me.

I've got a friend.
I thought I didn't.
Someone who provided for me.
A good bro who gave to me.
A good kin who I treasure within me.

I've got a friend.
And I thought I didn't.

Those Walls

I've built the fort so high,

That I can't see over them.

I only hear the waves of loneliness

Surging and crashing against its outside;

No longer am I inudated.

But I am now separated from the warmth of touch

That cannot penetrate to me.

I've built the walls so thick

That I can't see through them.

I only see the blue clearing skies above

Forgetting the clouds that surrounded me;

No longer am I in darkness.

But I am now blinded to the beauty of the coming dawn

Taking place behind those walls.

Oh oh, I have forgotten how it is to be loved,

And to love in return.

Oh oh, I have forgotten how it is to be touched,

And to touch in return.

I need to tear down these walls of mine,

To reach out to her waiting outside,

Before she turns and walks away.

I've walled myself in so thick,

That I can't feel through them.

I see the emotions evaporating

The wisps and vestiges of my haunted past;

While I feel no pain and cold,

I feel no love and warmth; but numbness

That now permeates me.

Oh oh, I have forgotten how it is to be loved,

And to love in return.

Oh oh, I have forgotten how it is to be touched,

And to touch in return.

I need to tear down these walls of mine,

To reach out to her waiting outside,

Before she turns and walks away.

I gotta relearn how to give and love,

I gotta relearn how to wait and smile,

I gotta relearn how to be vulnerable;

All these I have forgotten,

Yet I hope that they still reside within me.

But how much time do I have,

As opportunities slip by me...

Oh oh, I have forgotten how it is to be loved,

And to love in return.

Oh oh, I have forgotten how it is to be touched,

And to touch in return.

I need to tear down these walls of mine,

To reach out to her waiting outside,

Before she turns and walks away.

It's 3am

It’s 3 am, I’m listening to an acoustic cover,

And I’m just thinking of you…

I ain’t gonna hide it from you,

But you’ve been on my mind for a heck of a time.

Sure we ain’t known each other long,

But gosh, would you know, that it seems

That I’ve loved you for much much more.

And I’d just thought that I’d let you know:

That I may be dumb,

That I may not catch all the subtle signs,

But I am really into you.

That I may not know how to say things

That I may fumble and fall,

But if it’s for you, it’s worth all of it.

Sure, I ain’t got my shit together.

I’ve got scars from long ago,

And though they don’t hurt anymore,

There’s much I need to relearn.

Give me a chance,

Oh, please tell me that you would still look my way…

And I’d just thought that I’d let you know:

That I may be dumb,

That I may not catch all the subtle signs,

But I am really into you.

That I may not know how to say things

That I may fumble and fall,

But if it’s for you, it’s worth all of it.

Don’t see me still and confident with you,

There’s a nervous and eager one inside;

I’d love to watch those dramas,

And go shopping with you; just don’t mind my taste

And I know you’d be fine without me,

But I can’t imagine a day without you….

So I’d just thought that I’d let you know:

That I may be dumb,

That I may not catch all the subtle signs,

But I am really into you.

That I may not know how to say things

That I may fumble and fall,

But if it’s for you, it’s worth all of it.

It’s 3 am, I’m listening to an acoustic cover,

And I’m just thinking of you…

Lonely: Noone Listens, Noone Cares

I'm all alone. The night is cold and silence. The days are hot and mute. I have no one to talk to, no one confidante. No, it is not verbalizing my intents and expressions for social purposes, but the revealing, sharing, and outpouring of my heart, fears and hopes. And to receive encouragement, assurance, acceptance; even love. Unconditionally.

So many things have not gone according to plan. Or even without a plan. As a ballroom dancer, I have not found a partner for a year. A dedicated committed partner, not one who promises and not deliver. Even hopes for a module did not spare me the disappointment of going through it with those claiming to be reasonable and logical, but displayed not an ounce of those traits. Things are stalling. And I feel like giving up on so many occasions. But I will still grit it. It so much easier to give up now, but I'm so much stronger to carry on. 

Half Full Glass

I know that I'm not supposed to feel this way,
To see the glass half empty.
But I cannot help it, when I look around,
To see what others have.

I see things that people take for granted,
The family and love,
What I'd give to have all those hugs,
Even an average one will do.

Why can't I see the glass as half full?
Still I know I need to believe,
Isn't faith all that one needs to carry on?
Half a glass is all that is,
But that half is such a big difference:
So why can't I see the glass as half full,
What do I need, to see it so?

I know that there will always be worse
Stories beyond tears,
I try my best to count the blessings,
Hoping to see the brightness in them.

What I would give if I could change things,
To rewrite my history,
All the shame, grief and despair: the darkness,
And remove the need to hide.

Why can't I see the glass as half full?
Still I know I need to believe,
Isn't faith all that one needs to carry on?
Half a glass is all that is,
But that half is such a big difference:
So why can't I see the glass as half full,
What do I need, to see it so?

And maybe like all those stories,
Of great testings,
That from them shall arise a victor,
Triumphing over the impossible...

Reminiscence

Maybe I was not ready for love.
For a time, I admit I was not.
Then for a time I thought I was.
Now I'm not sure, but pray I am.

I've grown comfortable with myself.
My schedule surrounds me tightly.
There is barely room for another,
And I wonder, am I suffocating myself.

I thought I knew what I wanted,
But history has shown naught.
Yet this day, a little clearer, a little wiser.
And I hope I do so now.

The lessons showed me flaws,
But they also showed me my strengths.
They caused me to fall,
But showed me that I could get up again.

Bygones collect dust over the years,
Like frames forgotten and shelved,
Yet they still stay around,
In a small little space on the mantle.

Why...

Why am I always here,
Writing about all the pondering,
About all the yearning within?
It's Valentine's day tomorrow,
And I can't help looking
At the loneliness of my hands.

Why am I always caught,
Hesitant about crossing the gap,
To pause at the open doors,
And to test the other locked ones?
Then to stop the open from closing
Only to have them slam shut.

Why is there always a battle,
Between logic and feelings,
To find caution mixed with eagerness,
Or perhaps it is plain longing,
Surging and crashing against reason;
Tumultuous waves slamming against a rocky cliff.

Why...

Lonely, Lonely, Lonely

Shrugging of the cold Sunday night wind,
Trying to focus on the work at hand.
Can't help thinking of today and the coming week,
Can't help feeling, I need a hug.

It's lonely, lonely, lonely,
Beneath all the strength and push,
There's something that I want that isn't here,
Or is it somebody, oh I ain't so sure,
Gotta keep moving on, looking ahead,
Trying to live and not just survive,
Ignoring and pushing off the starkness within.

Might have been better if the high wasn't there,
Asking myself if I'm just pretending,
For all the messing around and drinking,
Digging deep and checking for the real me,

It's lonely, lonely, lonely,
Beneath all the strength and push,
There's something that I want that isn't here,
Or is it somebody, oh I ain't so sure,
Gotta keep moving on, looking ahead,
Trying to live and not just survive,
Ignoring and pushing off the starkness within.

It's still a battle I guess, despite all the calm,

Deep within trying to rest and let go,

The contradictory silence,

The broken singleton within.

Mixed Signals

In the middle of the night
I'm tossing and turning
I cant sleep with my head spinning
I cant rest when my heart's crying.

She pushes then she pulls,
She smiles then she scowls,
I don't understand what's going on here.
I need a direction, a compass,
The fog's heavy and it aint lifting
I want out but i want in,
O, The confusion of her mixed signals.

I'm thinkin real hard,
Tryin to make sense of it all,
Seeking for the glow of comprehension
And the peace of the matter.

She pushes then she pulls,
She smiles then she scowls,
I don't understand what's going on here.
I need a direction, a compass,
The fog's heavy and it aint lifting
I want out but i want in,
O, The confusion of her mixed signals.

I thought this, I hoped that,
Figuring out her isnt my best,
Cant she see this torment she put me in?
Does she not know im writhing within?

Hot then cold is the worst,
It cracks the hardest rock,
It shreds teh toughest metal,
Where do i get the strength to weather this,
Why do i continue blindly for this
When i fear that it maybe unrequited and for naught?

She pushes then she pulls,
She smiles then she scowls,
I don't understand what's going on here.
I need a direction, a compass,
The fog's heavy and it aint lifting
I want out but i want in,
O, The confusion of her mixed signals.

@->-- Wei Min

I Love You

I love you, with no idea how,
Nor from whence and where.
But I feel that destiny calls,
And we are meant to be.

To be with you is always a joy,
Though I have only seen
Your sparkling smile
And beautiful radiant person.

Because I would love to be,
The one whom you rely on,
The one whom you cry upon,
The one who will love you no matter what.

I will embrace you through your joys
And lift you up when you tear,
I will give you all that I have,
And find more if you need it.

I am not perfect, not at all,
I am not always correct,
I will surely upset and disappoint,
But please forgive me each time I fail.

Please know that for all my rights and wrongs,
My intention is never to hurt you,
Only to love you each and everyday
To be there for you now and always.

I love you, with no idea how,
Nor from whence and where,
But in the deepest parts of my heart,
I love you, I love you, I love you.

@->--- Wei Min